About me
A dream came true
Events from your childhood can have a major impact on your adult life.
I can't remember much about my childhood, but the moment that a boy from my class got his pants spanked by the teacher apparently made such an impression on me that I remember it very well.
My first piece of clothing that I put on from my older sister I can still remember exactly how the fabric felt and what nice feeling it evoked in me.
And my first sexual experience is also very clear in my mind. It was with a boy my age. My first experience with girls came much later.
But also the feeling that you are never good enough stems from my youth and still regularly gets in my way.
The ideas, the morals, the influence of the church, it all contributed to the man I am today.
I was the shy little boy with glasses. Always picked last in sports. In the schoolyard I hung out more with girls than with the boys in my class. Some were already very protective of me back then. Those events have been trickling into my memory lately.
The feeling of never being good enough, and therefore every rejection feels like a dagger. Keeping your sexual preferences hidden for years. I felt far from happy, but participated in everything, firmly convinced that this is part of life.
In January 2018 my life turned upside down. I was told I had cancer. At the same time, a very good friend and also my Mistress (at that time) came to the hospital because her donor kidney was slowly giving up.
I had a successful operation, Mrs. Isis unfortunately did not survive and died 2 days after I was discharged from the hospital.
After that major event I wondered if this was still the life I wanted to lead. That was the start of the beginning of another life. A life where I started to put myself at the center. Started doing things that made me happy.
During my mourning period for Mrs. Isis, a good friend of hers helped me a lot to get over my grief. Mrs. Luna and I meet regularly. With her I could talk about my fetishes, desires. About my dream, a Female led Relationship (FLR). Mrs. Luna was the first woman in my life to talk about her own sex life. We spent a lot of time on terraces, usually after a session in Germany where I rented a BDSM room. The conversations were always fun and full of humor.
My first contact with Miss Mercy was at the end of September 2019. I was increasingly busy finding my dream in my head.
I tried to have a session with her about once a month. We usually went out for dinner before the session, and always had nice conversations there. Even before the end of that year I had a key to her house and I regularly came to her, mainly to do household chores. I was allowed to pick up friends of hers at Schiphol for the first time. But also a driver for a night out with several beautiful ladies. The bond between us grew closer and closer. I was deeply in love with her.
From around the end of 2021 there will slowly be a clear turnaround in my life due to the influence of my Mistress. I remember the exact time very well, namely in parking garage P1 at Schiphol. I brought my Mistress who was on her way to a Tantra festival to Schiphol. When we got out and of the car I took care of her luggage, she took a book out of her bag, "Ferdinand, I want you to read this book to make our Liaison more interesting for me". The title of the book "No more Mister nice guy". (Is available in the Netherlands from Bol as a Dutch e-book, among others.)
Now I understand what she meant then.
The Mistresses I have visited in the past have all molded me in one way or another. But it wasn't until early 2015, when I met Mrs. Isis (RIP), that my "role" as a slave slowly changed. Until then I regularly visited Pro-Dom Dames for a 1 or 2 hour session. They went more or less according to my wishes. That changed with Mrs. Isis. She felt aversion toward men who came up with a preconceived scenario.
In my heart I would like to be a "Bottom" slave who has nothing to say, no decisions to make.
In that respect, I feel that that ultimate dream has almost come true, and certainly for the most part. I feel like I'm in the "slave Paradise" now.
I consider this period of my life very happy. However, I still have some things I need to work on. I still have to grow, especially mentally. So in order to really enjoy my role as a slave, I have to keep working on myself.
I visit a Psychologist who helps me to accept myself, who teaches me that I can be there too.
I had had a number of individual sessions with a "Men's coach" and discover that women are really very different beings than men. And that men (like me) have to "learn" again how to behave towards women.
I learned about the the concept of "Brotherhood" and the enormous importance that men talk about their feelings to each other. The power of such a group of men I discovered for the first time at a Tantra festival in Turkey, which I definitely want to tell you about.
2023 must be the year for me to slowly expand that dream. I signed up for a men's group with my coach to be able to talk about my feelings in a group of men. And through that process I learn to recognize my "Nice Guy" habits even better and to be able to talk about it with other men who also struggle with it.
In the coming time I want to focus on the needs of my Mistress. In recent years she has guided, coached and molded me with angelic patience into the slave I am now. It was a very educational time, but also with a few bumps
It is precisely those bumps that have made me stronger and give me a good feeling for the future. I have rejected the idea that it is selfish to choose yourself while completely ignoring my wife's feelings. You can only give love if you are happy yourself.
By now my wife is fully aware of all my sexual preferences. She finds the situation very difficult, I feel that, but the love and her calm nature and my mental struggles of the last year have made her a lot milder. She now understands that I have a "come out of the closet" kind of feeling. Of course she is not happy with the situation, but she's better able to handle it now. Knowing she can't give this to me.
But I would also very much like to dedicate a story to the 2 previous Dominant Ladies that I have had the pleasure of serving and have certainly shaped me into the slave I am today. Unfortunately, Mrs. Isis passed away much too soon. But I still have a warm relationship with "Mrs. Luna". Miss Mercy has recently met her. It was great fun, will definitely do it again.